


with pace and a fury defiant

by rqtheory



Category: The Adventure Zone (Podcast)
Genre: Bad Decisions, Canon-Typical Violence, Found Family, Gen, I promise it ends ok, Mental Illness, Torture, Vomiting, a pale imitation murderquest, characters we know and love being unpleasant to eachother, selective disregard for lore
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-09-14
Updated: 2017-09-14
Packaged: 2018-12-20 22:17:05
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 11,481
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11930412
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/rqtheory/pseuds/rqtheory
Summary: “I found him,” Taako says, staring ahead at the lawn where Magnus and Killian are bouncing Angus between them, Carey giving him pointers on how to land. All four of them are laughing, Magnus clearly struggling to stay upright.“Gonna have to clarify,” Merle grunts in response, and Taako turns a look on him that would’ve made his blood run cold if it were actually him who was the reason for it.“Kalen. I found him.”





	with pace and a fury defiant

**Author's Note:**

> Amazingly, I finished this before episode 69 but it still mostly aligned with canon - I tweaked it a bit, but just pretend Griffin's 'one year' timeframe from the finale is more like five and we're good (it's more realistic anyway).
> 
> Also @dancynrew over on twitter made some (spoilery, so, come back after!) [Amazing](https://twitter.com/dancynrew/status/923405256293154816) [Art](https://twitter.com/dancynrew/status/923067863908225024) for this? I'm touched, blown away, you should all go follow her she does incredible work.

It’s Taako who brings it up, of course.

It’s been months now since everything settled down, chaos and terror and fear melting away into something approaching - peace. They’re aliens, here, and they’re grateful every day to have found a home, but there’s still pain and sharp-edged, broken things in the history they share with this world, and one of these in particular is a painful splinter, worming its way deeper, the risk of infection growing every day.

Magnus is blissfully unaware, of course. This makes it worse - if he weren’t, they would almost certainly have embarked on some half-baked plan by now, something to right a fundamental, ongoing wrong, to correct the dangerously off-centre balance of the universe. But he is, and they haven’t, and the cruelty of it needles at the two of them, makes them sharp with eachother, and with him.

Merle is tamping down a pipe on the verandah when Taako emerges out of the shadows, uncharacteristically sombre, eyes glinting in the low light.

“Good night,” Merle says quietly.

“I found him,” Taako says, staring ahead at the lawn where Magnus and Killian are bouncing Angus between them, Carey giving him pointers on how to land. All four of them are laughing, Magnus clearly struggling to stay upright.

“Gonna have to clarify,” he grunts in response, and Taako turns a look on him that would’ve made his blood run cold if it were actually him who was the reason for it.

“Kalen. I found him.”

They’re both silent for a moment, appreciating the enormity of this. As soon as the smoke had cleared they’d both independently started looking into the name Magnus gave them in Wonderland. By the time Taako raised it with Merle, they’d both assembled—fact by painstaking, hard-won fact—a picture of the person Magnus had told them to kill. A bully, a tyrant, a coward. A man who used power and money and fear to snake out of everything he did.

A murderer.

A number of questions occur to him but Merle blows out a cloud of smoke, and settles on, “Where?”

Taako makes a non-committal noise. “North. A few weeks.” A small sneer. “Up to the same tricks, with a town so grateful to be safe that they’re willing to put up with a firm hand.” He says the last with such contempt that the words have a jagged, poisonous life of their own.

Merle sighs, rubs his temples with soulwood fingers, feeling the beginning of a tension headache. “So what’s the idea then?”

Taako barks a short, humourless laugh. “Idea? The idea’s to kill him.”

“I know that,” Merle says. “I meant, how?”

Taako scoffs. “Does it matter?”

“Yes,” Merle retorts, immediately. “You think this is just about you? You think it’s just about _him_?” He inhales on the pipe again, blows out a cloud of smoke. “You think showing up and shoving a knife in his gut is going to make you feel better about not getting to meet your sister in law? You think it’ll make _me_ feel better about not meeting her?”

Taako’s face is pale but set. “Yes.”

Merle snorts. “There are ways of doing this, kid. There’s an art to dying well, so there’s an art to killing someone badly. You want it to mean something, you’ll pay attention to how you mean to do it.”

“Don’t ‘kid’ me,” Taako snaps. “I lived the same century you did.”

“Then you know there are things worth taking your time with,” Merle says, and Taako falls silent, vibrating with - rage? fear? excitement? Merle can’t tell.

“What are you suggesting,” he says finally.

Merle closes his eyes, recites the first prayer for the dead he learned. It’s simple - nearly crude - but it’s still the simplest distillation of the principles he’s found threaded through every prayer he’s committed to memory since. He opens his eyes, fiddles with the pipe. "All faiths talk about finding peace, accepting your actions during life, accounting for them. There are things you’re supposed to ask a dying person, about - what makes them who they are, you know? If you really want to make this vengeance instead of straight up murder, you should think about that. Do you give him a chance for a good death, or-"

"No," Taako cuts him off. "No."

Merle heaves another sigh. "Okay. Fair, I guess. In that case, I guess you think about what exactly you want from him, and work back from there."

"I want him to know," Taako says, abrupt, voice cracking like a bonfire in the dark. "I want him to know who he hurt."

"How much of this is about Magnus and how much of it is about you?"

"The distinction's not relevant," Taako says.

"I suppose not."

"Are you in or not?"

Merle sighs. "Of course I'm in. But I'm coming along as much for you as I am for Magnus. No point losing yourself over this."

The silence stretches to breaking point as the two of them consider this, consider what they've already lost, lost and regained and lost again over and over and over.

"Okay," Taako says finally. "Good."

"Are you going to tell anyone else?" The unspoken  _they love him, too_ hangs in the air.

"No." Taako shakes his head, smiles a thin smile. "No sense any more of us getting our hands dirty."

\--

It’s surprisingly easy to hide what they’re doing; all it takes is a couple of vague suggestions to Magnus that they really do miss the time they had to themselves, and isn’t it a shame they got their memories back _after_ all the things they did together, you know, given everything that’s happened, and wouldn’t it be nice to see some of the other parts of Faerun they haven’t been to, and Magnus comes up with the idea himself, excitedly proposing it to Merle and Taako one evening when they’re gathered together before dinner. 

“Just the three of us?” Merle asks, pointedly not looking at Taako, though Magnus doesn’t notice.

“Well,” Magnus says, looking a little abashed. “I mean. If Lup comes, Barry does; and Davenport’s gone already so then there’s only-”

“I won’t go if Lucretia does,” Taako says, coolly.

Magnus winces and mumbles, awkwardly, “Yeah I... thought- well I just thought I’d be easier with the three of us.” He looks sad, but pushes through valiantly. “Like the early days- Well. I mean, the days before-" he stumbles over it, and sighs. "You know what I mean.”

“Sounds good to me,” Merle says, and the tension dissipates.

From there it’s even easier. Having proposed the idea Magnus immediately abdicates from any organisational role, letting Merle and Taako take over responsibility for planning an itinerary. They tell the rest of their friends over the course of the summer, making the perfectly reasonable argument that autumn is the best time to travel; the roads won’t be waterlogged with summer humidity, the heat’s less intense, there’s less traffic. Most of them accept it, or at least say they do; Lup gives Taako a knowing look, but doesn’t say anything, and Angus chirpily notes that their reasons are very convincing; everyone else says something placating and understanding. They don’t encounter any resistance, and they don’t get asked to explain themselves any further. 

The last few weeks of summer melt away into autumn, night creeping up through the evening. The leaves aren’t even starting to turn but there’s a cool edge to the early mornings which smells of the change in seasons. It’s Merle who finally says, “Well, we should probably start to pack,” and suddenly the quiet, coiled feeling of anticipation which has been thrumming through Taako all summer tips over the edge into a savage kind of determination; a determination which wears down the edges of all of his theatrics, making him quieter, calmer, more intense. It doesn’t go unnoticed, naturally, and he finds himself avoiding... everyone, as much as possible, eternally grateful for Merle - who so often operates on a different (an _indifferent_ ) level, calmly and confidently running interference without even being asked. So he has the time to himself, mostly, to plan and to pack and to- to talk, to Magnus, dancing around what they’re doing, what they’re _really_  doing. He picks away at Magnus’ past like he did at scabs as a child, peeling away layers without letting on what he’s doing, and gets - nothing. There’s a wall. Magnus’ mind loops around and away from the concept, and after a while he gives up on the idea of Kalen but still asks questions. Because, of course, this is the part of Magnus’ life he honestly don’t know - the part he wasn’t there for and never had the chance to learn about. The thought that he was blissfully unaware of so much of the suffering which shaped who Magnus is now, that he didn’t have the chance to fight back on his behalf, lurks at the back of his mind, a constant, biting companion.

They’re a couple of days out from leaving when Merle’s campaign suffers from a very temporary but critical failure. He feels her rather than hears her, and can’t help immediately stiffening, ears flat with hostility he can’t quite repress. She waited until he was alone, of course, in a room with one exit.

He turns. “Lucretia.”

After they’d - won. (Still strange to think of it like that). The rest of the crew, the rest of their - _family_  - had cautiously felt around the edges of a detente, slowly easing themselves back into a familiar pattern of relations, like rediscovering a favourite pair of boots at the beginning of winter. And honestly, Taako had thought he would, too, until he’d begun to be plagued by waking nightmares about what had happened - what could have happened. The first time the enormity of it hit him - once he was outside the adrenaline and fear and joy and fury of that first deluge of recovered memories, once he had time to consider everything that he hadn’t been there for - he’d felt so suddenly, terrifyingly sick that he'd thrown up. For that first evening he'd found himself frantically searching for Lup every time he lost sight of her, half his attention on her at all times, getting distracted and falling out of conversations while he looked out for her and Barry. It’s gotten easier since then, or at least he’s gotten better at anticipating the thought pattern and glancing his mind away from it, but bile still rises at the back of his throat when he thinks about Lucretia and what she did.

Which is why, until now, he’s simply walked out of the room whenever she walks into it. The first few times Magnus or Lup came to find him, to talk him down. They’ve given up, recently, which he feels savagely pleased about, but he should have guessed that Lucretia herself would come to press him on it eventually.

She’s staring at him and for a second he can see her as he now remembers her, young and reserved and serious, superimposed over her newly aged and careworn face. Still serious, but with a heaviness there which would twinge at his heart if he wasn’t furious with her in the uncomprehending way of a wild thing caught in a trap. Whatever they had before is broken.

“Where are you going?” she asks. Taako laughs at her.

“Really?” he says, trying for amused, wincing when his voice comes out raw. “Gonna impose a curfew on me next? You found an alien sea creature which just goes straight for the source and blocks out free will?”

She seems to crumple in on herself, at that. “Taako, I-”

“I don’t want to hear it,” he says. “Everyone’s already argued your case for you. My sister forgives you, because she’s kinder and better and more generous of spirit than I’ve ever been. Magnus gets it, protecting the innocent, what could be a better justification than that? Even Merle’s got some live and let live bullshit that lets him accept it.” His breath is short and his voice is coming thready, close to snapping, but he doesn’t care. “I’m not a good person. I don’t give a fuck about your reasons. I care about what you did, and what you did to me.” He bites off the last syllable, staring her down. “Get out of my way.”

“I know what you’re doing,” she rushes to say, all at once. Taako huffs a breath and tightens the straps on his pack. “It’s for Magnus, right? I can help, there are things I can-”

“No,” Taako tells her. “You don’t get to be a part of this. We wouldn’t even have to do it if it wasn’t for you.” _He would never have lost his wife_.

“Taako-”

“Get _fucked_ , Lucretia,” he snarls and shoulders past her. “ _Don’t_  follow us or I swear on my life I’ll end you.”

He thinks he hears her sob as he slams the door shut behind him, and he’s honestly surprised at how easy it is not to care.

\--

The plan was always to stick to back roads - paths, really - and to avoid towns wherever reasonable and possible. It was almost too easy to sell to Magnus as a them-against-the-world team bonding trip; because people knew them, wanted to quiz them on space travel and the Hunger and gods even knew - although inevitably the conversations turned to their own personal failings and upsetting pasts, and there were only so many conversations you could have with people who knew almost everything about you before you lost interest in entertaining their curiosity. Taako didn't need to tell them how agitated the thought of strangers knowing everything about his past made him; it was evident in everything he did to avoid being recognised.

So, back roads. It was remarkably pleasant, although Taako kept up a steady stream of complaints for the first three days, mostly about mosquitoes ("Why did we end up on the one world with worse bugs than where we started?") but also occasionally their outdoorsmanship ("You got a wood arm, surely you know how firewood works?") and, when he ran out of other things to bitch about, their sleeping arrangements ("Taako's got an idea, how about both of _you_  snore wizards sleep out in the middle of the field where your nocturnal honking isn't such a fucking pain in my ass.") It feels weirdly normal, except that even Magnus picks up on the thread of nervy mania which colours all of what Taako does;needles sharper than usual, a shorter fuse.

"Is Taako okay?" Magnus asks him, a few days in. Merle doesn't really want to hedge - he's a terrible liar - but he's hemmed in by his own promises.

"I think he's just... dealing with some stuff," he says, which seems to have been the right approach because Magnus nods.

"Trauma," he says. "That's why this was a good idea."

It's so heartfelt, and so _Magnus_  to be completely matter of fact about the whole thing, that Merle honestly considers packing it in right there; it's only what Taako told him about his own conversations with Magnus, the desperate little attempts to provoke some, any kind of response and the repeated running into the same barrier, the same gap in his memory, that stops him from sitting Magnus down and telling him the whole damn thing. He knows it won't do any good, so he nods and says, "It's good for us all to have some time to process," internally cursing every damn deity from here to their original plane for letting them get to this crushing, ruinous point.

“You know, I was thinking about that,” Magnus says, oblivious to Merle’s internal battle. “I was sort of thinking that’s what I should do now, you know? To help people. Something about dealing with trauma.” He pauses, looking awkward. “Do you think that’d be- okay?”

The swell of affection in Merle’s chest for Magnus’ sheer dedication to being _good_ is almost painful. “Yeah. I think that’d be ok.”

Magnus chuckles to himself. "Now I just gotta figure out how to work in a dog."

\--

Weirdly enough everything falls back into place the first time they get attacked.

It's not even a big deal - just a group of bandits who stumble across their camp in the middle of the night, figuring them for an easy target. Maybe they somehow missed Magnus' size in the dark? He doesn't really give it much thought, seeing as how Taako hollers for them both to wake and he's up and swinging with his hammer before he's even really conscious. 

_It’s not as though they haven't killed before._

The thought strikes him in the middle of it and he nearly loses his rhythm, his footing, and it’s only a lucky strike from Magnus that saves him from a club to the chest.

“Stay alive!” Magnus yells, spinning on the spot to lob his off-hand knife, his grandfather's knife, at the bandit menacing Taako. It hits him square between the eyes and he drops like a stone, at which Taako whirls and shouts “Stop stealing my kills!” and Magnus laughs, wild and exhilarated, and he looks so much like the barely-adult Magnus Merle remembers that he blanks for a second longer and his brain only kickstarts back into helping him fight when one of the bandits charges right at him and he has to pull the hammer up on instinct to avoid a sword to the face.

They wrap it up pretty quickly, in the end. The numbers aren’t on their side but experience, skill, and sheer force are, and barely minutes have passed when the three of them are standing in the middle of a corpse-littered field, blood-spattered, breathing hard. A look bounces between the three of them - the ‘shit yeah, fucking nailed it’ look - and Merle feels them click into alignment, the awkward displacement of the last few months dissolving into normality. And he knows it’s a bad idea, that avoiding the years and years of forgotten history for the sake of the last, most recent few isn’t a solution; but he can’t help it, because it feels so damn right to lean into it. And it’s objectively wrong for him to be having this reaction after killing a desperate, pathetic group of thugs, but that’s the thing - they’re not good people. _It’s not as though they haven’t killed before_. That’s why they’re here - he and Taako have manipulated their closest friend along on a journey to murder a man in cold blood. And the most significant thing he feels about all of it is concern for Taako’s state of mind.

The wizard in question is chuckling quietly under his breath. "Smashed it. Homies didn't even get a chance to figure out who we are."

Magnus laughs. "I'd prefer they didn't."

"Help me move them," Merle says, abrupt, and the three of them spend the next ten minutes dragging bodies to the side of the field into a neat, sad pile.

"You wanna-" Magnus starts, and Merle pats his arm. 

"Yeah," he says. Taako immediately turns on his heel and walks away, which isn't exactly new but Merle still finds himself worrying as he mutters the shortest prayer for mercy he knows, looking everywhere but at the corpses.

_It’s not as though they haven’t killed before_. The thought hits, again, and accompanying it is a flood of frantic reasons, questions, doubts. This will be sheer brutality. The reason they’re here is because of Magnus. They can’t tell him about it. How are they supposed to process that, after? How does doing this affect who they are? 

He’s still thinking about these things, later, when he’s trying to sleep. He doesn’t know the answers. He doesn’t think Taako’s even thought about the questions.

\--

The days get shorter and so does Taako’s temper. Not noticeably, not enough to make Merle do anything but give him significant looks over the top of his glasses after Taako says something particularly mean, but it’s enough. He can tell it’s what he’s doing but he can’t help it and he doesn’t really want to. He throws himself into offensive spells for a few days, studying and practising like he never did with the Umbrastaff, but it feels empty, lifeless, and he hates himself for noticing now but not before. It makes him want to spend time doing - not-magic - so he makes Magnus teach him the basics of the rapier. He’s not going to win any duels any time soon, but he can passably defend for long enough to give Magnus or Merle the opportunity to rescue him.

And he knows where to stab a man to incapacitate him.

He’s on edge, and fired up, and more inclined to physical violence than he’s been in a long time. So, when he’s pacing back to their camp one evening after filling up their water containers and there’s a crack that sounds very much like someone stepping on a twig off to the right, he wastes no time pointing his wand at the spot, other hand on the hilt of his shoddy rapier, and saying, as threateningly as he can, "You better stop right there, buddy, unless you want a fireball to the face."

"P-please don't, sir," comes the small response, and Taako drops his wand to his side.

"Agnes?"

"I really don't want to keep responding to that name but yes, it's me," he says, emerging from the underbrush pitifully. "Please don't hit me with a fireball."

"What are you doing here?" Taako asks, abruptly. "And how'd you catch up to us?"

"Oh, sir, please don't be angry with the director," Angus says, twisting his hands together. Taako turns around immediately and starts walking back to the camp.

"She sent you here?"

He can hear Angus scrambling after him, and lengthens his stride, vindictive. "Yes. She was worried about you and gave me some infor-"

"Okay, Ango, lemme stop you right there," Taako says, still not looking at Angus. "One, nothing Lucretia has to say goes here, capiche? Two, you're a good kid, and I like having you around, but you've got no place in this. And three-"

"I'm sorry sir," Angus interrupts, "But if you're going to murder a man who hurt Magnus I think I have a place in it, actually."

Taako stops at that, and turns around to pin Angus with an assessing look. He stands straight under Taako's gaze, staring back at him, undeterred.

"Murder?" Taako says. "You're a kid."

"I don't really see myself holding the knife," Angus tells him, suddenly sounding eerily adult, eyes glinting in the moonlight. "But I can help you find him. I can help you- make it hurt him."

"Huh," Taako says, and makes his way back over to Angus. "Where'd this little bout of bloodthirstiness spring from, Agnes?"

"Where do you think?" Angus says. His tone hasn't changed, and nor has his expression, but that's how Angus sounds when he's being pointed. Taako feels briefly, fiercely proud, but then it's overtaken by guilt.

"Angus," he says, quiet, and then heaves a sigh and sits down on the ground. "Sit."

Angus does, and locks his arms around his knees. It must be cold, Taako realises, for a human child out here in the woods by himself. Did Lucretia just dump him out here? For fuck's sake.

"I'm not gonna pretend I'm not impressed," Taako tells him. "You gotta be ruthless. It's not a nice world. Evil, plane-devouring monster defeated or not." He pauses. "But don't- don't do it just because you think it's what I'd do. You're your own person."

"I'm afraid," Angus sounds completely matter-of-fact. "Everybody knows all the things that happened to you." Taako tenses, but Angus continues on, oblivious. "But you all still got hurt. Being clever and smart isn't enough. And it could happen again, any time." He props his chin on his knees. "I don't want to lose anyone. I don't want any of you to be hurt. And the fact that someone is out there who did hurt you makes me," his voice trails off, and he fixes determinedly upon a point in the distance. "Scared. A-and angry, sir, to tell you the truth."

"Yeah," Taako says. "I know."

"I want to help," he says. "I don't think it's fair that he gets to live happily after what he did to Magnus."

"Well, that's the attitude we like to hear."

"And I'm... sorry, the Director did send me, but she didn't - it wasn't just her idea, I wanted to-"

"I'm gonna cut you off right there, Angus," Taako tells him. "I don't care about her, there's no need for you to explain. You’re here. That’s fine."

"O-okay," Angus says uncertainly. "It's just that - well we all know there's something going on with you two, and I know it's not any of my business-"

"Correct."

"-but I just wanted you to know, she feels really, really terrible."

Taako sighs. "She doesn't need your intervention, kiddo."

"I know. I just would have felt bad if I hadn't said anything."

He knocks his knees against Angus'. "Duty discharged."

"Thank you, sir."

He hauls himself to his feet and pulls Angus up after him. "Let's go back to camp, shall we? Have you had anything to eat?"

"I had a juice an hour ago."

"Oh, Agnes." He rolls his eyes despairingly. "What's Taako gonna do with you."

\--

Magnus doesn’t even bother pretending he’s not delighted to see Angus; Merle definitely does bother, but doesn’t do a very good job of it. Taako dramatically retells the story of nearly blowing Angus off his feet with a fireball and Angus earnestly interrupts Taako's flow to point out he's gotten really good at dodging, so he probably would have been fine, which makes Taako breezily cut over the top of him about how 'adults are talking, shhhh now,' and it all seems so very much like one of the evenings at home that Merle can forget for a second why they're here.

They fall back into the basic rhythm from before; having Angus around does seem to distract Taako, a bit, which if nothing else is a good reason for him to be here, although they spend a lot of time conferring in hushed voices. A couple of times Merle overhears a few anatomical terms, sometimes historical; enough for him to get the picture that the discussions are probably grimmer and more adult than he thinks appropriate, but he's not interested in parenting Angus any more than he has to, and he knows Taako's relying on that.

\--

"I've been thinking about what you said."

Magnus and Angus are walking up ahead, Magnus animatedly explaining - something-to Angus, who's perched on his shoulders. It's a reasonable cover for their clandestine murder-related discussions, which have become more infrequent lately but no less draining.

"What I said when," Merle asks, mentally racing through the inventory of painful, too-intense conversations with Taako about exactly what they're trying to do.

"That first night. When I told you I found him." Taako's fiddling with his pack, doing an excellent job of nonchalance - which, of course he is, he'd turned carelessness into impregnable armour long ago.

"Oh yeah?" Honestly, Merle doesn't remember the conversation in detail, just the sudden knowledge that they were actually doing it.

"You said I should think about what I want from him - and to work back from there."

"Yeah," says Merle, non-committal, a slow, creeping dread starting up in his chest. This isn't going to go well, he knows already.

"Well." Taako fiddles with his wand, a parlour trick, spinning it around his thumb with the kind of practised ease which means he's hiding something. "I want him to know who we are. I want him to know Magnus' name. And I want him to know that I'm happy to hurt him for as long as it takes for him to regret what he did."

"His regret or your satisfaction?"

Taako laughs, but it's a bleached bone, grating laugh, no humour in it. "I guess we'll find out."

\--

He’d honestly thought that would be the end of it. It seemed as though he’d figured out what he was going to do - make the fucker pay, basically - and he’d made his peace with it, internally, or at least stopped prodding around the edges of his plan to squeeze in a little more pain.

They’ve made camp for the evening and it’s Magnus and Angus’ turn to go looking for water somewhere. It’s not really necessary, but Magnus has been thoroughly enjoying playing the camping trip angle and they’re both more than willing to let him, Merle making no secret of the fact that he's enjoying the return to a simpler way of life. Taako and Merle are talking idly about nothing at all, no reason to discuss the more sordid aspects of their current endeavour, when there’s a cracking thud from the woods off to the left. Both of them immediately fall silent, hands going to their weapons. Nothing happens for a moment, and they turn back to eachother to resume the conversation, when a high, thin scream shatters the quiet. _Angus_.

Taako’s on his feet before he even realises what he’s heard, both of them sprinting in the direction of the sound, Taako rapidly pulling away from Merle, his heart thundering in his ears. Angus cries out again - “ _Taako! Merle! Help!”_ \- and it’s just so foreign and so _wrong_ to hear him using their names like that that his blood freezes in his veins.

He’s pulling the first attack spell he can think of to the front of his mind when he sees them - Angus hunched over Magnus’ figure on the ground, hands cushioned underneath Magnus’ head, while the rest of his body jerks erratically. Angus looks up, face drawn. “He collapsed!” he says tightly, strained, tears spilling over his cheeks.

Taako skids to the ground beside them. “What happened?”

“I don’t know, we were just walking back and he- I thought he tripped but he fell backwards and then he started - having a fit-” Angus breaks off with a sob, and Taako takes in Magnus’ eyes, rolled back in his skull, and the awful noise of him breathing hard through froth and spit and mucus, as Merle catches up to them and also slides to a halt.

“Fit,” Taako says, grimly, and Merle nods.

“I can try healing but sleep might be better,” he says, quickly. Taako nods, centres the spell to capture just Magnus and Angus, and mutters it, curt. The effect is thankfully immediate; Magnus relaxes completely, going boneless and quiet, and Angus’ eyes fall closed as he slumps forward, curled over Magnus’ face.

The sound of his and Merle’s breathing is thunderous in the dark, and Taako says, “What the fuck. What now.”

“Your guess is as good as mine,” Merle tells him. 

They wait for the spell to end - it only lasts a minute. Thankfully, it seems to have reset whatever sudden affliction felled Magnus, because he and Angus wake up, together, Angus pulling awkwardly away from him, face still tear-stained, and Magnus sounds totally normal - if confused - when he says, “Uh, what happened?”

“You fell over, you idiot,” Merle says, sounding cantankerous as ever. “Gave Angus a hell of a fright. You musta hit your head on something, knocked you right out.”

“Weird,” Magnus says, propping himself up on his elbows. “Usually I get a headache when something knocks me out. I feel fine!” He screws up his face, looking troubled. “I can’t remember what I was- doing, though."

“Concussion,” Merle grunts. “We better take it easy for a few days.”

“Or you’re just totally useless,” Taako says, relief and fear making him sharper than usual. “Humans are clumsy as shit.” He’s moving to help Magnus to his feet anyway, all of them crowding around him as he stumbles, ever so slightly, and then rights himself.

They make their way back to the camp and settle in for the night but they’re subdued, restless; Magnus is the first to fall asleep, naturally, and when the first gentle snores start up across the clearing Angus eases himself out of his sleeping roll and pads quietly over to where Merle and Taako are lying awake and pretending not to.

“You said you can’t tell him about what you’re doing,” Angus says to them, without preamble. “That’s why he had the fit.”

“Excuse me?” Taako’s still irritated, still worried, still scared.

“We heard you talking,” Angus tells him. “I heard you say Kalen, and I - I know you you told me he couldn’t remember but Caleb Cleveland never takes information for granted unless he’s verified it himself, so I... I asked him, if he remembered the name.” Angus pauses for a second and his eyes grow glassy, and Taako can feel Merle staring at the side of his face but he can’t say anything, doesn’t know what _to_ say _._ “As soon as I- he looked like he recognised the name but then- that must have been what triggered it. You said he can’t remember. I don’t think it’s just that. I think it’s that if anyone even tries to remind him, it sets off a fit.”

They’re silent, absorbing this, until Merle heaves a sigh and says “Yeah, that sounds about right. Fucking liches.”

It hits Taako then - the things that have led to this moment, the shitty choices taken out of their hands by the pride and greed and cruelty of others, the ongoing, crippling absences wreaked upon their lives by ruthlessness they had no hand in. He feels sick with rage, like it’s the only thing that exists inside him, like his skin is going to fracture and split and anger will seep out of the cracks and take him over, turn him inside out. It passes in a few moments, but the sudden onslaught makes him dizzy and its immediate absence leaves him bereft. Luckily Merle seems not to notice; Angus is biting his lip, trying not to cry again, and Merle finally says “Hey... look, kid, it’s not your fault,” when he realises Taako isn’t going to say anything.

Angus’ face screws up, desperately holding back tears, but he doesn’t say anything straightaway - just nods rapidly, and after a few beats, says, thickly, “Thank you, sir, I know,” and flees back to his bedroll - hesitating, then dragging it a few inches closer to Magnus’ before climbing quickly back inside and turning his back to them, curling up into a ball.

\--

They venture into towns a bit more after that. The excuse is, of course, that Angus is a fragile soul who needs baths and square meals more often than they do - which is still true, he’s a boy, they can’t just traipse through backwaters for weeks on end without feeding him properly - but it's also because he and Merle both agree that it would be nice to consult the odd actually-medically-qualified individual if only to confirm what they already suspect.

They come away from three successive healers in the next moderately-sized town with declined offers to perform spells they both actually know, grimly assured that without months more research they’re probably not going to be able to lift the psychological booby-trap in Magnus’ brain. Taako takes all of these conversations in stride, grimly unsurprised about their outcomes, but he doesn’t talk to Merle about it unless someone else is there - relying on the presence of strangers to carve out a private space for himself. Something about how cleverly he does it makes Merle uncertain, dread starting to bloom, but... it’s still nice to be in a town for a few days. He’s old and sleeping in a real bed shouldn’t be such a damn luxury for him. 

He’s making his way back from the bathhouse late at night when he hears Taako talking to someone. Angus and Magnus are in their own room across the hall, already snoring.

He makes his way cautiously into the room to see- Kravitz. Taako, leaning into his space, fiddling with his- collar? Either way, both of them stiffen and lean apart slightly and he makes a face. “I can go for a late night stroll but if I get mugged you’re up for my costs,” he says, trying to sound intensely uninterested in addressing the situation in any detail.

“No, no,” Taako says. “I’m glad you’re back, I need you here for this.”

“Uh,” Merle says, suddenly very on edge - it’s not like Taako to express _need_ for anything. “What are you-”

“Shhhh,” Taako says, takes a deep breath, squares his shoulders, and looks Kravitz square in the face. “I want to offer Her a favour,” he says, forced casualness in his voice, “in exchange for a delay in claiming a soul.”

Merle realises this is significant when Kravitz draws a sharp breath. “No, Taako. Don’t.”

“I insist,” Taako says, and draws a dagger from his cloak. A knife. Magnus' knife, Merle realises, heart starting to thud. “Like I said, like we talked about. A delay on collecting a soul. In exchange for my heart.”

Kravitz looks stricken, like he wants to back away but his feet are stuck to the ground. “No. Taako, seriously, don’t do this. You don’t know what you’re-”

“I know exactly what I’m doing,” Taako cuts him off. “All I need is a couple of hours.”

“ _T_ _aako_.” Kravitz’ voice has gone thin, pleading. “You don’t understand, the time doesn’t matter to Her, you’re committing yourself to-”

“I know,” Taako says, and slashes the dagger across his palm, holds it up as a scarlet line blooms and drips down his arm. “I offer the heart of a free man, willingly given.” He dashes a glance to the side, at Merle. “Witnessed by a priest. Or, near enough.”

Kravitz, desperately reluctant, clasps Taako’s bloody hand. Taako places his uninjured hand overKravitz’ chest, where his heart would be, if it were real. There’s a reddish flash of light around their clasped hands, and the two of them are suddenly backlit, black silhouettes against scarlet. Merle squints, and thinks he sees a third figure there with them suddenly, but then the light disappears and he’s left staring at - just Taako, and just Kravitz, looking awkward. And sad.

“The offer is accepted,” Kravitz intones, dully, and releases Taako’s hand. There’s a smear of scarlet blood on his palm. “I don’t think you really understand what you’ve done.”

“I don’t care,” Taako says, sudden and violent. “I want this. It’s not up to you.”

Kravitz’ expression falls sharply and his human face flickers. “No, the only thing you’ve left to me is the responsibility of collecting on your debt, is that it?”

Taako rolls his eyes. “Don’t be dramatic.”

“I might just - leave you two to talk?” Merle says, awkward.

“No,” both of them bark at him without looking away from eachother.

"I  _work_  with your  _sister_ ," Kravitz says, furious and hopeless. "How can you-"

"You're not going to tell her, are you?"

"You know perfectly well I can't," Kravitz says roughly. "Don't you dare try to pretend you didn't know that."

For a second Taako looks nonplussed, but it flickers away, replaced by annoyance. "Of course I knew. I'm not gonna risk-"

"You-" Kravitz looks shattered for a second. "You're going to let me carry this around and-  _talk to her_  like it's fine-"

"It  _is_  fine," Taako snaps. "This is my problem, not yours."

"Oh, is that so?” Kravitz grits out. “The Raven Queen— She likes symmetry, She likes symbolism. They all operate on that level, They care just as much about appearances as They do about substance. You think She’ll settle for sending just anyone along to collect you when the deal’s up? It’ll be me, Taako. I’ll have to do it.” His humanity is rapidly fading now.

This obviously comes as a shock to Taako but he recovers quickly. “Well I guess we finally figured out a scenario where I _won’t_ be happy to see you.”

Kravitz physically recoils from Taako at that. “You really don’t think this is a big deal, do you?”

“I mean, we’ve beaten you before, so I guess I know I’ll have a fighting chance?”

Kravitz stands up, abruptly. The scythe materialises in his hand and both Merle and Taako tense but he just tears a rift and steps through it saying another word. It seals shut behind him.

“Well, that went well,” Merle says, sarcastic. 

“It’ll be fine,” Taako says, waving a hand, although his expression is pinched and his face is pale. “Everyone fights.”

“What are you doing?” Merle asks him. “How was that worthwhile?”

“I told you. I keep telling all of you.” Taako bites off the words. “I want to _hurt_  him.”  


“At the cost of your own life?”

"Look, it's fine! It doesn't come due straight away, it's when needed. Plenty of time for me to figure something else out."

"Something else?" Merle repeats, putting as much scorn into the words as he can. "The grim reaper begged you not to do this. Sure as shit sounded like there isn't anything else."

"Kravitz isn't infallible," Taako says - he still sounds certain, sure, but there's a strange overtone to it, which Merle doesn't really want to delve into further because he's not going to approach _that_ particular tangled clot of history and emotion and pain. "I know what I'm doing."

"I sure hope so, 'cus I don't," Merle grunts, and hops up onto his bed. "Can't help you if you don't tell me what you're doing."

"It'll be fine," Taako insists. "It has to be."

\--

The rest of the trip has a strange, restless pall cast over it. Taako immediately shuts down any attempt Merle makes to quiz him further on the deal, and he obviously can’t talk to Magnus about it. He does consider, briefly, whether he should ask Angus, but ultimately decides it’s a kindness not to. Not that he cares about the little bastard as much as the other two but that’d be a hell of a thing to saddle a kid with, especially one who so clearly _adores_  Taako and wouldn’t be able to stop thinking about the problem and how to fix it. The trip's been good for Angus, he notes absently - the skinny kid has become rangy and strong, self-sufficient and capable out alone in the woods. At least there's one positive coming out of all this.

Taako isn’t exactly doing anything to court anyone’s affection at this point - caught in black thoughts more often than not, when he’s not sharp with them all over imagined slights he’s staring off into space, clearly somewhere else. It doesn’t go unnoticed, but between what Magnus thinks about the trip and what Angus seems to know about it, all of them are isolated in their own overlapping secrets and lies and no-one has the courage to bring it up.

They’re stuck in this strange, liminal mood, like a held breath, when they finally get to Kalen’s town. It’s smaller than he expected, tucked away in the foothills of a mountain range, protected from harsh weather by a valley full of alpine trees that he knows now don’t look at all like the alpine trees where he comes from. It’s much colder this far north, and they’ve started to wake up to frost, and Merle can feel himself getting older and slower by degrees, desperate by now for this entire affair to be over.

They’ve left the conversation about what to tell Magnus about this part of the trip far too late, but Angus solves it for them, suggesting pointedly that it’s probably getting time to turn around and maybe Merle and Taako can go into the town and take care of restocking for once while he and Magnus spend a day hiking up to some ruins nearby “because of how there might be something fun to do there, for once!”. Taako makes a show of looking put upon but his nervy excitement is back, and it’s palpable, at least to Merle.

“You got it, Kid Ranger,” Taako says sarcastically, but when Angus and Magnus head out the next morning he watches them go like he’s committing them to memory.

They head into the town, and Taako’s all for just walking up to the manor house and bursting through the front door, but Merle insists on both of them eating breakfast and manages to dredge a few scraps of information from the locals that Kalen goes by a different name, now, and that there’s only a housekeeper who lives with him. He’s grateful - he doesn’t know what they would have done if there’d been a spouse, let alone kids, and the gossip helpfully includes a tidbit about the housekeeper’s afternoon trip into town lasting a number of hours.

It’s so easy, in the end. They wait til the housekeeper leaves, then let themselves in through the back door. Kalen is in some sort of study, writing - letters? memoirs? it doesn’t matter - and startles to his feet when they walk in. “Who-”

“We ask the questions here, homie,” Taako says, pleasantly, showing teeth. “Number one: know the name Magnus Burnsides?”

Kalen pales, slumps back down in his chair. “Everyone knows the name Magnus Burnsides.” Later, Merle will privately come to the conclusion that Magnus’ revenge was complete in that moment, when his name was enough to turn his sworn enemy’s knees to water. At the time, it’s just an explanation he and Taako don’t have to make.

“Cute,” Taako comments, and fires off a spell - something flashy but mostly harmless. Kalen flinches, and Taako’s unpleasant smile widens. “Name rings a bell to you specifically?”

“I’m guessing you’re - some of the others,” Kalen says, voice thin.

“Good guess,” Merle tells him.

Kalen visibly swallows. “Look. I’m not-”

“Don’t even bother trying,” Taako tells him, moving across the room, Kalen clenching the arms of the chair as he tracks Taako’s advance, immobile. “I’ve got death on my side.” 

And he stabs Kalen in the chest with Magnus’ knife.

Merle didn’t think he was going to lead with that, but sure. 

Kalen gapes down at the savage wound, red blooming around the blade. He looks back up at Taako, but his eyes are clear and his movements more precise than a knife to the heart should allow. “I feel-”

“Fine, yeah,” Taako says, and inspects his nails briefly. “You don’t get to die until I’m sick of hurting you.” 

Oh, that’s what he meant, Merle thinks, as Taako smiles nastily at Kalen and mutters a quick incantation which is swiftly followed by the sickening sound of cracking, splintering bones.

\--

Kalen has fainted, again. He’s not really sure what the biology of that is when he’s technically dead, but the delay must include a fully-functioning body, too. Merle inhales on his pipe, which flares suddenly in the dim light. “You know your few hours are nearly up.”

Taako picks his way over to him, movement stripped of its usual fluidity, blank and mechanically precise. “Yeah.” He just looks tired, now, nearly worn through. “I’ve nearly got what I want, anyway.”

“And what’s that?” Merle asks him. “You know it’s not too late to push the redemption option.” 

Even as he says it he knows how hollow it is. There's nothing to be redeemed; the creature in front of them now has taken on a mythical lustre, a symbol for a great and terrible hatred borne out of an even stronger love. Even if he begged, pleaded, face clogged with snot and viscera, showed true bloody regret for the things he's done, made peace with his own role in causing trauma and pain and sorrow, it wouldn't be enough. Death is the only path open to him now; how fast he progresses along it is the only question remaining.

There’s a soft, pathetic noise from Kalen. Taako whips his head around, stalks back over to him. “What was that?”

“Please.”

Merle winces. “Taako. You gotta let this go.”

“I’ll do anything,” Kalen rasps. Ugly, broken. “What do you want? I’ll say whatever you want. Just let me die.”

Taako seems to shudder for a second, and slumps in relief. Seats himself carefully, almost gently, and takes Kalen’s shattered, monstrous hands into his own.

“Assume my debts,” he instructs. Kalen moans, confused and in pain.

“Taako, what are you-”

“Be quiet,” Taako tells Merle, without looking at him. He’s still staring at Kalen, who’s staring back. Merle thinks his expression is distraught, but he can’t really tell through the- well.

“It’s ok,” Taako croons, like he’s calming a startled animal. “You just repeat after me.” Kalen makes a garbled sound of assent, clearly hanging on Taako’s every word. “I, Kalen.”

“I, Kalen.”

“Assume the debts of you, Taako.”

“Assume the debts of you, Taako.” A strangled moan.

“And offer my soul in exchange for them, entire.”

“Taako,” Merle starts, slowly. “What-”

He doesn’t get to the end of the question. Kalen rushes the words out, uncaring, and immediately there’s a deep, loud vibration, as though an enormous cavern is collapsing around them. A sudden pressing weight drives Merle to his knees. The room goes dim. The oppressive feeling deepens, lengthens, turns into something ominous and nauseating.

And then he sees Her. Not strictly sees Her, of course; on this plane, nothing quite so crude as sight is enough to properly process Her presence. He can’t look directly at Her - he tries, but his eyes glance away, probably to protect himself more than anything. He gets - an impression, a flash of feathers and bones and terrifying finality. _Shit._

“Well well,” She says, making her way across the room to Taako, who’s also staring at a spot off to Her right. “This is _very_  interesting.”

There’s a sudden slash in the fabric of reality next to where Taako is sitting next to Kalen - Kalen’s corpse, Merle suddenly realises, he’s finally dead - and Kravitz steps through, looking skeletal and ragged. Agitated. “My Queen.”

“Hello, dear one,” She purrs at him, and Kravitz’ aspect wavers and then solidifies slightly, humanity slowly layering. “Where have you been?”

“I want to speak for him,” Kravitz says, abruptly, gesturing at Taako. “He made his deal under duress.”

She laughs, delighted, and it’s like the cracking of ice in Merle’s ears. “Oh yes?”

“You know he did,” Kravitz says fiercely. “You know the circumstances, it’s unconscionable to hold someone to terms they agreed to while they weren’t in their right mind.”

“Shut up, Kravitz,” Taako hisses, and Kravitz looks down at him, astonished.

“Your lovely friend understands the situation much better than you do, my dear,” She says, voice curling around _l_ _ovely_ with a malicious sort of affection. “Your advocacy’s not doing him any favours.”

“But-”

“Hush,” She says. It would be gentle, but for the sudden iron command which overlays it. Kravitz falls silent, eyes darting between Merle and Taako. 

The Raven Queen turns to Taako, crouches in front of him, managing to make the movement look both graceful and terrifying. “You’re developing quite a skill for underhanded dealings,” She tells him, curling a finger under his chin and forcing him to look up at Her. Taako winces, shuffling uneasily, eyes sliding away from Her face.

“I’m not an idiot,” he tells Her, cocky words at odd with his tone. “Taako’s down with his myths.”

She hums, withdraws Her hand. “Apparently you are. Although the wonderful Kravitz has pointed out an unfortunate flaw in your plan, of course. The duress issue.”She heaves a dramatic sigh. “I’m afraid this poor creature’s heart wasn’t willingly given, if we’re boiling it down to the bare bones of what torturing a man to the point of him telling you want you want to hear _really_  means.”

“It’s not his heart that’s in issue,” Taako says, speaking quickly, breaths coming short. “It’s his soul. The soul of a sinner offered as payment.” He laughs, thin, but he sounds more confident now. “I told you I’m down with my myths.”

She laughs, too, and all three of them flinch away from the sound, cowed. She sounds almost gleeful. “So you are! So you are. I’m quite impressed.” She pulls Herself to Her feet. “You ensured the transactions were witnessed by a priest, you spoke the words correctly, and if I’m being entirely honest, our operational needs are more skewed towards souls than hearts at the moment, so I’m inclined to give you what you’re after, in this instance.” There’s a long pause, and Taako takes a breath to say something, but She cuts him off. “However! I should make it clear at this juncture that I’m not normally inclined to allowing anyone - especially clever things like yourself - out of deals on a technicality.”

“I understand,” Taako says, meek like Merle’s never heard him.

“I really don’t think you do,” She says, and the iron is back, a deep fiendish echo to the words. “You wriggled your way out of an obligation to me this time, and I’m letting it go out of the goodness of my heart, but I’ve no compulsion to be so kind a second time. In fact,” and Her aspect flickers and it’s as if the gravity in the room suddenly doubles; Merle’s fighting to stay upright and he can see Taako struggling against the same force, though Kravitz is unaffected, “if I catch even an inkling of you trying to pull this con again I’ll break through to this plane and tear your heart out of your chest myself.”

“Got it,” Taako says, weakly. “No more dodging debts to the Raven Queen.”

“Good boy,” She says, and all of a sudden She’s gone and the gravity’s back to normal and they’re in a blood-spattered room with a mangled corpse and Kravitz, looking sick and horrified.

Merle gasps for breath, and spends a few seconds hauling as much air into his lungs as he can manage. Taako’s slumped over the corpse, sobbing.

“Taako,” Kravitz says, gently, and touches his shoulder.

“That was... fucking sweet,” Taako whispers, and all at once flops over onto his back. Merle realises he’s laughing, not crying. “Oh, shit. Taako conned death. Fuck! I’m the greatest fucking wizard this world has ever seen.”

The laughing continues, but there’s an edge of hysteria to it, and Merle exchanges a meaningful glance with Kravitz before the reaper kneels next to Taako and puts a hand on his forehead. He speaks a quiet word and Taako slips into unconsciousness, not even fighting it.

The two of them are silent for a moment, before Kravitz speaks, without turning around to look at Merle. “Did you know? Did you know that’s what he was doing?”

“I had no idea,” Merle says.

Kravitz bites out a furious curse.

“Yeah, you got that right.”

He jolts awkwardly to his feet. “Do you think he understood She only let him get away with it because She was amused by his audacity?” Merle has a feeling Kravitz would be breathing hard if he needed to breathe at all; his hands are trembling on the scythe, which he seems to be leaning on, as much as anything.“That could have gone the other way entirely. What a _stupid_ risk.” He finally turns to look at Merle and he hasn’t even bothered trying to dredge up his illusory face. “Can you just... keep him out of trouble for a while? I need to think.”

“That’s why I’m here,” Merle tells him. “But, for the record, he’s always going to be a prickly, difficult asshole. That’s not going to change just because _you_ happen to love him.”

It’s impossible to tell what Kravitz is feeling from how he looks, of course, but his voice is wounded and deeply indignant as he says “I don’t want to _change_  him. But he- used me.”

“If it helps,” Merle says, “I don’t think this was about revenge for Magnus, really. It’s more about anger than anything.”

“I could have helped. If he’d asked.” The words are abrupt, clipped, and Merle hoists himself to his feet and closes the distance between them, patting Kravitz awkwardly on the bony hand not holding the scythe.

“He’d never ask,” he says, quietly. “But he didn’t, you know, actively push you away. That’s gotta be something.”

“Perhaps.” He turns away from Taako, who’s sleeping naturally now. “Do you need me to take him back to your camp?”

“Uh. Actually, yes,” Merle admits. “I want him to sleep it off. I’m pretty strong but it’ll look weird if I carry him out of the town covered in blood.”

And this way, once Taako and Kravitz are safely out of the blast zone, he can set fire to the building.

\--

Taako is asleep until suddenly he isn't, his heart immediately kicking into gear as he sits up, remembering - _Kalen-_

"What happened?" he bursts out, looking around wildly, sitting up quickly enough that his head spins. He's on one of the bedrolls, in front of a campfire, _their_ campfire, a good way away from the town. Merle's sitting on a log nearby, staring into the fire. No sign of Magnus or Angus.

"They're off collecting more firewood," Merle says, reading his thoughts.

"What- how did we-"

"Kravitz knocked you out," Merle says bluntly. "You were hysterical."

Taako frowns at the campfire, patchy, disjointed images rushing back. He finally manages "I wasn't hysterical. I was relieved."

"Relieved hysteria."

"Whatever."

They're silent for a moment, before Merle says quietly, "What the hell, Taako?"

"Ugh." He slumps onto his back, looks up at the stars. "I don't want to do this."

"Did you really think that was gonna work out for you?"

"Well, it did!"

"Because you were lucky!" Merle sounds like he's holding back on shouting. "It coulda gone completely wrong on you and none of us even knew what you were doing! We're supposed to be a team, dimwit!"

"I didn't want anyone else to be hurt," he says, sullen.

"You didn't want anyone else to even _participate_ ," Merle shoots back at him. "You kept all of us at arms length, and for what? I asked you at the very beginning of all of this whether this was about Magnus or you; it was never about Magnus, was it?" 

"Shut up," Taako tells him. "It was, it's- not-"

"It was about you, and how angry you are, probably at Lucretia but I think also at yourself." 

It's wildly appropriate given his affinity for the spell just how skillfully Merle wields truth as a weapon. "Stop it," Taako says, feeble.

"You were vicious and reckless and hoped that by pulling off this trick you'd be able to live with yourself again. Did you even think about what could've happened if you'd failed? To all of us?"

"It doesn't - I didn't-"

"To Lup?"

It's the nuclear option and both of them know it. Taako falls silent, anger curdling into shame in his gut as he thinks about that - thinks about how he feels, now, and how she could have felt, if he'd fucked it up. Merle doesn't say anything for a couple of minutes, but then finally, gently, says "Too much has happened to us for us to cut eachother out."

"I wasn't cutting anyone out," he mumbles. "I just- I didn't want to risk anyone else. I wanted to hurt him as much as I could."

"I'd say you succeeded there."

"Please don't tell her," Taako says, and hates how it sounds like he's begging. "She doesn't need to know."

“She’s my family too, I’ll tell her what I damn well please,” Merle tells him. “If you’re lucky, it won’t include this particular critical detail. But you’ve been an asshole.”

They fall silent, the particular quiet of cold weather settling in over them. He dredges up a wan smile when Angus and Magnus return to camp, Magnus jibing him good-naturedly about how a simple re-provisioning trip had taken so much out of him that he’d needed to actually sleep. He’s too tired to argue back.

\--

They’ve been home a few weeks and Taako’s spending the afternoon blankly reviewing spellbooks when he feels a familiar presence at his back.

“Oh, it’s you again,” he says, weary. “What is it?”

“Merle told me about your deal,” Lucretia says, and Taako scowls at the bookshelves.

“ _Did_ he. I don’t suppose he told you I don’t give a shit?”

“Taako I-” she breaks off, and he can hear the tears welling in her voice. “I can’t lose any of you again. Please, gods, don’t- don’t risk your life because you’re angry with me.”

He wants to be infuriated. He wants to throw something barbed and cruel back in her face, storm out, slam the door; but all of a sudden he can’t dredge it up any more. He’s tired, he nearly died, and the drive to _rend_  something which was pushing him all autumn has evaporated, leaving heaviness in its wake. The relationship he had with her will always be broken, but-

“Lucretia,” he says, allowing the fatigue he feels into his voice. “I’m- I meant what I said, before. I can’t just... forgive what you did. You hurt me. _You_ did. Someone I trusted. Someone I _loved_.”

There’s a small, choked noise of sorrow. He still can’t bring himself to feel bad about it.

“But I’m not- I’m not angry any more. I’m just tired.” He turns around to look at her, crosses his arms. “And arguing with you will just make everyone else unhappy, and they deserve some fucking happiness by now.”

She’s crying openly, but there’s still a hint of hope in her expression as she says, “So what do you-”

“I can promise to try polite but neutral,” he tells her. “I’ll _try_. Just - don’t ever go near my fucking brain or the brains of any of my fucking friends again.”

She nods, tears still sliding down her cheeks but slower, now. “Okay.”

“Good.” He turns back to his desk, opens another book. “You can leave, now.”

“I will, I will, I just - just one thing-”

“You’re already pushing it.”

“Kalen,” she says, two rushed, sharp syllables. “How bad was it?”

He huffs a small, humourless laugh. “As bad as I could fucking make it.” He looks back at her, and she looks sad, still, but there’s a exultant tilt to her lips.

“Good,” she says fiercely, and walks out of the room.

\--

Candlenights is looming and Taako can’t get out of bed.

The first few weeks after Kalen - as he’s come to refer to it, shorthand - he was buoyed up on his victory; he’d been nearly uncomfortably high for their trip back south, lavishing Magnus and Angus with attention; he knew they’d noticed the quicksilver change in his mood but couldn’t modulate himself, so savage was the relief. It had lasted, too, throughout the first few weeks back home; a secret folded between him, Merle, and Angus, a feral gift he could revisit to propel himself forward when he lost momentum.

But after a few weeks at home  he’s finding it harder and harder to draw the same energy from it. Candlenights is only a few weeks away and normally he'd be out hunting for the best presents - he knows, now, that competing for Best Present Glory is something he and Lup have always done and he knows, now, that that's why he found it boring buying Candlenights presents before - there wasn't anyone worthwhile competing with.

She's had a huge head-start on him and he's almost certain she's going to win this year but he still can't drag himself out of bed to try to salvage something of a victory. She's going to be so disappointed he didn't even try, which is the worst fucking part.

These are the thoughts chasing themselves around his brain one cold winter morning when there's a knock at his bedroom door. He's dully considering pretending not to be there when Lup herself calls, "I know you're there, I can feel you brooding."

"Shut up," he says, but he can't help cracking a half smile, and she pushes the door open anyway and walks into the room, making a face at what he realises is the stale smell of the place. He should probably open the window.

She kicks the door shut behind her. "What's up, grumpy?"

He glares at her, levering himself into a sitting position, aware his hair is all over the shop. "I'm not grumpy."

She raises an eyebrow.

"I'm... not," he says, weakly. "Just... tired lately."

"You know, we never really talked about what you did to that guy," she says, blunt as ever, and comes over to sit on his bed, folding her knees underneath her and punching him on the arm. "Seems like maybe it fucked you up a bit."

"That's not what this is about."

"Seems like maybe killing him wasn't about what you thought it was about, either," she counters. "Like maybe you thought you were doing some kind of big deal revenge thing but you got yourself all tied up in shittiness instead." She lets it sit there, like she hasn’t just lobbed a fucking bomb at him.

"What right do you have to be so fucking incisive," he says, finally, stifling an overwhelming wave of relief at having someone else say it.

"I was in an umbrella with not a lot to do for a couple years there," she says, frankly. "Lotta time for self-reflection."

He chokes on a laugh and realises all of a sudden he's sobbing. "Oh, Koko,” she says, and folds him into a hug, stroking his hair. “I promise you I’m ok. I didn’t even really feel it. I know it seems like a total nightmare but I’m ok. I’m fine.” She lets him cry into her shoulder for a few minutes, then says “You’re _not_ fine. You’re fucked up. What are we going to do about it?”

“Well first we’re never going to tell anyone about this,” he says, voice thick but tone determined.

“You got it.”

“And I need to understand what it was like.”

When he pulls away to look at her face there’s an expression there which is unfamiliar to him, but he wants to make sure he never has the chance to get familiar with it, with a sudden, fierce intensity that takes him by surprise given how grey and muted everything has felt recently. She’s looking into the middle distance, and her tone is subdued as she says, “Well, obviously it sucked.”

“Obviously.”

“I wasn’t lying to you about not feeling it. Time passed differently. A lot of it doesn’t feel real any more. I don’t know if it felt like that at the time or my brain’s just saving me from a lot of it.” She pauses, and scoots around so that she can sit next to him, backs against the wall, and he leans his head on her shoulder and something clicks back into place.

“It just pissed me off that I couldn’t do anything to help you. Wonderland? Shit. I was bouncing off the walls.”

Wonderland. He’d forgotten. “Did Merle tell you about Magnus’ fits?”

“Angus did,” she says. “Good kid. Don’t know how he ended up idolising you when there are tons of better options but there you have it.”

“Like you’re not his favourite aunt already,” he says, grateful for a momentary break in the conversation.

“I was always better at the flashier spells, who’s more fun to learn from?” she agrees, then sobers. “He told me.”

“It made me so angry I thought I was going to black out,” he says, struggling with acknowledging something he hadn’t even let himself think about until now. “It was just the one... final little cruelty on top of everything else, I wanted to scream.”

"You get that that's normal, right? Like, the things that have happened to us are fucked up. Even aside from the part where we've all died multiple times and you had your memories wiped, we've all been through some shit. I'm angry about it too, Taako. But there’s no point letting it fuck you up like this."

She's right, of course. "Yeah."

"You gotta come looking for Candlenights presents with me," she tells him, and he finds himself laughing again, properly this time. "What?"

"I was just thinking about the competition," he tells her. "Thought I'd definitely lost this year."

"Nah," she says. "You're way more familiar with this whole Faerun sitch than me."

"Okay," he agrees, and it's like the thing he's been carrying around since - since before Kalen, before the Hunger - loosens its grip on his chest, just for the tiniest second. "But I gotta make a call first."

**Author's Note:**

> Uh. Sorry?
> 
> Title is from [Achilles Come Down](https://youtu.be/T_V76Dm42bY) by Gang of Youths. The entire album (Go Farther In Lightness) is brilliant, and it came out the day after TAZ ended so it's inextricably bound up in finale feelings for me, but this one in particular felt like being punched in the gut. (I have also written an extremely sappy bit about Magnus based on a song from the album SO). 
> 
> This whole thing was inspired by a serious philosophy podcast episode on organ donation (yep), which touched on the Ars Moriendi; initially I was using its general framework to write this whole thing and then it went extremely off the rails.
> 
> I started before episode 68, and I felt extremely validated by Justin’s choice not to have Taako join the group hug, and then TTAZZ came out and I may have punched the air a little bit. I like the way the narrative was tied up but I am curious about what it might have been like if they’d allowed themselves to go down a bit more of a bummer route, so here we are.
> 
> On Taakitz - they'll figure it out. Relationships take work and they're a pair of weirdos with a bunch of trauma to work through but they'll get there.


End file.
